


The Debt

by lilithtorch2



Series: CA2TWS Speculations [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: F/M, Gen, Interpretation, Speculation, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 05:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1417132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithtorch2/pseuds/lilithtorch2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SPOILERS.</p><p>Natasha didn’t tell Steve that she tried and failed to talk the Winter Soldier out of it. She didn’t tell him what it was like to see firsthand a man unmade into emptiness.</p><p>But the Winter Soldier let her live.</p><p>James let her live.</p><p>It was a debt that would weigh on her whenever she dared to think about James, and no matter what she tried, she couldn't help him.</p><p>Until now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Debt

**Author's Note:**

> Johnny Cash - Help Me

Her face was red. He would have laughed; it was so much like her to hold fast and strong, even when it was clear that he was dying.

She said, “I love you.”

He said, “I know” and caressed her cheek.

When the door closed on him, he put a hand on the glass where he could see through the outside. He found a hand - _her_ hand – on the other side and imagined their fingers touching.

The ice enveloped him.

* * *

Natasha felt the scar on her abdomen. She could only tell Steve what he needed to know. He didn’t need to know that she’d felt something for the Winter Soldier – James – before. She didn’t tell Steve that she had to watch the Winter Soldier point a gun at her and yell at her to get away from him before he could kill her. She didn’t tell him that she tried and failed to talk the Winter Soldier out of it. She didn’t tell him what it was like to see firsthand a man unmade into emptiness.

But the Winter Soldier let her live.

James let her live.

He ran away before the conditioning took over him again, before he'd be forced to kill her.

It was a debt that would weigh on her whenever she dared to think about James. She had tried, she had _really_ tried, to look for him again.

But he was gone.

She had no idea where he’d gone to, only who he used to be.

The scar was a dark reminder that she couldn’t protect or help everyone. It was better to protect herself first. That’s how you survive.

And right now, it was important for Steve to trust her.

She painted James accordingly.

* * *

It didn’t matter anymore that James couldn’t recognize Natasha; he was going to kill Steve. He was going to regret killing his brother one day even if he couldn’t remember him right now. She grabbed the rocket launcher lying nearby and aimed it at him. Natasha prayed she still knew him well enough to know that he’d dodge the missile. Then he’d vanished. Again. And she had to let him go. Again. That was all she could think about when S.H.I.-Hydra captured them and they were sitting inside that awful truck.

He was gone. She could only lead him so far; beyond that, she couldn’t help him. To save one life you had to let another go; that was always how it worked.

“It was him.”

She didn’t hear what Steve had said after that. She only felt the pain in her shoulder; it was a reminder that the Winter Soldier, the deadliest sharpshooter, could never kill her, and that she, the best liar, could never help him.

“It’s not your fault.”

It wasn’t. She was still replaying her fight with the Winter Soldier, James, in her mind. She’d gotten him where she’d wanted him. He did everything she expected him to. For everything she did, she still couldn’t bring him in and help him. She should have told Steve about James earlier. It would have prepared him emotionally for the truth, and he wouldn’t look so broken.

She owed him. She owed it to James.

Later, Natasha decided to give Steve the file she had compiled over the years on the Winter Soldier program.

Despite the horror he had experienced, Steve had never, ever given up hope. She’d warned him that he might not like what he found, but it didn’t matter. He was still whole and untainted and filled with love she couldn’t give completely.

Maybe he was the kind of person James needed.

Maybe Steve was how Natasha could help James after all.

**Author's Note:**

> The Star Wars reference was a prompt I created for myself to put all my CA2 feels into fanfiction.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Choice](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1427329) by [lilithtorch2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilithtorch2/pseuds/lilithtorch2)




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